I hope you all know what I'm talking about. We've all been to the-best-beer-bar-in-the-world, with the-biggest-selection-of-beer-on-the-planet. But, we've all been to different places. How does this work!? Places like Capital Ale House in Richmond, VA, The Flying Saucer (a chain!), and the Brickskeller in Washington D.C. all come to my mind. I've been to all of these, but others exist as well. Ebenezer's in Lovell-fucking-Maine is supposedly the best beer bar in the world (according to our favorite site, Beer Advocate). But, really, bars like this exist everywhere. In fact, as I mentioned in the previous post, I went to one in Dallas and it was so fucking pedestrian that I don't even remember the name. My main problem is simple: they all claim to be unique, and yet, they're all the same.
Every single one of these beer bars claims to have the best selection, and be the only place in the world where you can have such an experience. But, really, they all have exactly the same selection, and they all make the world of beer seem rather small. They also all claim to serve ridiculous Belgian beer and be the only place that does that, but really, they all serve ridiculous Belgian beer and are NOT the only places that do that. I could go on and on. They've all begun to blend into one stupid beer-serving entity in my mind at this point. I used to love these places. I'd eat them up. But now, when offered the chance to go to one, I'm emotionless because they don't move me. They shouldn't move you, either.
My second problem with these places is that they're all so fucking expensive. Ordering a bottle of High Life will cost you at least 4.50. That seems ridiculous, because I can buy a six pack of High Life for about 5 bucks. That's more than the rule-of-thumb traditional 400% markup on booze that bars and restaurants follow. The 400% markup is absurd enough, so paying anything more is stupid. Don't even get me started on how much is costs to order anything even remotely crafty. Plus, half the shit is in bottles anyway. Who goes to a bar to drink beer in BOTTLES? I can drink beer in bottles at home! When I do that, I'm not limited by some stupid menu, but rather only by what I can or cannot buy.
My third problem with these places is that they are boring. Their ambience, their atmosphere, their overall drinking environment all lack any interesting qualities. Nobody goes to these places to get schwasted (because everything is so fucking expensive), so you never see any interesting people. Rather, you simply see people doing what they could be doing at home: sipping on beer. Yet, they'd prefer to come to a place to be bored with other people and pay too much to sip on beer together. When I was in D.C. at the Brickskeller I began to play darts with Elliot's friend on a dart board that had barely been used. If you've been to the Brickskeller you know this place has been around a while. It's a bar, people! Play darts! Don't sit there being bored. Also, we played some music from their juke box and I think the fact that the atmosphere went from soft talking about the Belgian brew to actual music was difficult for some to handle. It's a bar, people! Play music! Don't sit there with your hushed voices.
My fourth problem with these places is that the people who frequent them think they know way too much about beer. I know amongst all of you myself and perhaps Ted are viewed as beer snobs. But really, I don't pour different types of beer into different types of glasses to accentuate the bouquet that may or may not exist. I don't sit there with my collared-shirted friend discussing the many aspects of the creamy head that sits atop my glass. I say I like the taste and I drink it. I drink more than one. I drink it rapidly.
My fifth problem with these places is that they carry an unwarranted air of sophistication about them. Case in point: Deep Ellum, Boston, MA. This place is not even a very good "beer bar", but they had perhaps the most snobbish attitude of any of which I have yet visited. After each person was served beer in a different type of glass to best present the beer that was ordered, we enjoyed what seemed like liquid gold, as we had paid just about that much for the privilege of drinking such nectar. Soon after, I decided that I was sick of beer (because these places kinda suck), and I wanted a Red Bull Vodka. Well, apparently this place was too-fucking-good for Red Bull. I went to the bartender and asked, "If I were to order a drink that necessitated the use of Red Bull, would you be able to serve it to me?" Not only did she just say "No" (which would have been at least acceptable, albeit quite sad), she laughed in my face and said "Absolutely not!" Fuck that.
