Mr. Cancun

You may or may not know, but I am currently in Cancun, Mexico. My mom like a month before today decided she “wanted a vacation god damnit” and my sister convinced her that Mexico was better than the south western United States. A few shady internet deals later, my mom had booked an all-inclusive vacation at the Club Solaris Royal in Cancun.

Let me take a time out and explain that this vacation is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. My family vacations when I was younger were long road trips to Yellowstone national park or a trip to see grandma and grandpa in Minneapolis or maybe even going up with family friends to their timeshare in Michigan. Never anything that really cost much money. My dad was (and is) famous for his… which word is more insulting; stingy or thrifty? But he’s not on this trip and my mom decided she needed “a real vacation.” Not that this vacation is costing much for her. $75 a person per a day. And that included all meals, drinks (we’ll get to this in a bit), some free tours, and all the facilities a Cancun resort would have. Oh but she does have to go to a 2 hour time share presentation.

And let me say… i only got here Monday morning, but its been kinda nice so far. And by kinda, I mean definitely. The food is good and abundant, the waves are humongous (and I was riding them in a way that both put the older buff bros on the beach to shame and in a way that would make A. Clark proud), and sun is out and the water is SO BLUE – like I’m talking picture perfect unreal blue. OP was fun last week, but I need the escape from everyone and everything.

But back to my shock. Because like I said, this is unreal and new to me. I don’t exactly feel comfortable here. And its taking away from the relaxation that this trip is supposed to be about. First off, I can’t even truly tell we are in Mexico. In the airport, most of the billboards had big English sentences and phrases. And everyone talks in English. My sister is getting so mad because she is trying to talk to them in Spanish (she’s fluent) and they just talk to her back in English. I feel like I hear more Spanish in the 110 when Tim and Alfredo are telling Nonberg that he eats dick (“come polla” for those who were wondering). Secondly, while the beach isn’t like MTv’s spring break, the rest of the hotel area is. I’m talking a Mr. Cancun contest, a swim up bar (which is AWESOME) and young sexy co-eds playing beach volleyball and drinking heavily and flexing their muscles or showing a lot of skin. So few of these people are college students though. Most of them are like 26-30 year olds. I heard one guy say he had been here for a week already and he had another two weeks until he headed back to the states… SOMEONE needs to grow up a bit… But maybe I’m just jealous that they are here with their friends and I’m here with the lady who birthed me and the girl who locked me in a closet when I cut her Barbie’s hair when we were younger. OH! But on the other hand, there are also a lot of young children too. And its really weird to see like kids playing volleyball in the pool so close to young adults who are downing margaritas and XXs.

Now to the alcohol: Its free and its always available. That being said, I have not gotten to slurring words level in my mother’s presence… yet. I still got 4 more days to go. So we'll see what happens.

God I could go on and on. For example, there are like free shows every night. And when I say show, I mean like Vegas shows. It’s trashy, cheesy and so touristy. I’ll have to post pictures, if possible. But a few images to help you understand and to sum it up: mariachis, a horny MC, a twelve year old girl (“the superstar of Mexico”) singing, refills of rum and coke, a tap dance solo that could only remind me of Butters from South Park, and a guy in an Aztec costume dancing in a not so Aztec manner…

Bottom line, this vacation has been a mix between honestly feeling uncomfortable with people who embrace and love the tourist/American in Cancun lifestyle and truly enjoying the 80 degree weather and lovely ocean and beach. In no way am I complaining. It’s just a new experience for me and I’m trying to relax and enjoy the ride.

I’ll keep the blogosphere updated with at least one more post. But to all of you in cooler climates, I’ll try to send some hot air your way. There’s a lot of it around this resort.